And I said “yes”

The word “yes” can be said in many situations. Sometimes it means something deep, sometimes something very superficial. In love, the word “yes” carries the essence of the whole idea of love.

I have said the word “yes” more than once in my life. Also in relationships. I’ve been married once, but I’ve been close to it many times. One of these times happened almost twenty years ago.

I was moving to another country this time. Specifically, I was fleeing to another country. Some people were looking for me, and not with good attention. Someone wanted money from me, someone wanted a relationship. Both combinations were quite life-threatening. In short, I had gone to another country to lose traces, which, of course, I knew was not possible. But something told me that the answers to my problems were somewhere further away. In this way, completely by accident, I met a man who became my fiancé.

I was very glad to have met someone who seemed to care about me. I was aware that I was looking for a way out, and that relationship had nothing to do with love. But he seemed to be caring. And financially well insured. Yes, I knew I had this play. I needed help to get away and I needed help to turn a new page in my life. People’s feelings were something I usually never played with. And I didn’t tolerate anyone playing with my feelings. And to be honest, in the beginning, I didn’t think it could have become any serious relationship.

Who was the person I met? He was one computer genius, single, always in a suit and mannerisms. I have always been a simple person. I didn’t like expensive restaurants or cars, the simplest was enough to make me feel good. I liked that he had control over everything in life, he knew what he wanted and how to achieve it, and I felt that his wish for me to feel good was honest. He didn’t take me to expensive places, and he tried to put everything around us so that I could be comfortable. Of course, no one could heal my broken soul and restless mind. But his presence made things a lot easier.

Photo by Sean Witzke on Unsplash

We lived in an apartment right next to his office. It was a small apartment, exactly for two people. The living room had large windows overlooking the big city center. Sometimes, when he fell asleep, wrapping myself in a blanket, I went to sit by that window. I enjoyed watching over the bustling night city. At night, what most people did not see came to life, and I enjoyed being a part of it. A little away from our apartment was a large hotel. The name of the hotel shone heavily on its roof. «Regina». I remembered the silhouette of this hotel with its bright letters, not only because we had the same names, but there was also something magical and inexplicable about it. Like a glimmer of hope that one day my life will be in order and I will shine again. The other thing that made me think about this hotel was the whole hotel concept because I had gone through so many of them in my life. But I had always been under someone else’s name. Doesn’t it seem like a mockery of fate that a hotel with my name shone on me every day now? I had two choices at the time, as I saw it. One was to stay put with a person that could help me to turn a new page in my life even though it was built on lies. Or go ahead and fight the demons from your past and hope that I will find another solution that didn’t mean playing with anyone’s feelings. It was very difficult for me to make that decision because so much was at stake.

One night he came to me and said he had a surprise for me.

“You know I don’t like surprises,” I replied nervously. My life was full of so many bad surprises that I didn’t need any of them more.

“I know,” he replied. “Don’t be afraid, I’ve thought it all out, you don’t have to be afraid of anything. It does not include restaurants or people. Only the two of us. ”

He asked me to change my clothes and put on something more beautiful, without explaining. It was already dark on an early spring night. When I was done, we went out the front door of the house. In a dark street glistening with city lights, there was a black limousine, its back door was open, and there was a driver at the door waiting for us to sit in. The limousine driver was in a suit with a white shirt and tie. Everything was high quality. When we were sitting in the back seat, where there was a room like in someone’s living room, ready-made champagne glasses were waiting for us.

“I think you’ll enjoy it when we drive around a bit and look at the night city. I’ve noticed that you like it when you’re sitting by the window at night. ” I looked at him but answered nothing, took a sip of champagne, and looked out the window. I knew something special was going on that night, but my fear didn’t let go of me, and I didn’t know why or where he took me.

About half an hour later, talking about the city and the people, I noticed that we drove out of the city. As always, I remained calm, but I wished that such surprises were non-existent. We drove for about fifteen minutes when the limousine stopped. I looked at him questioningly.

“Come on, I want to show you something,” he said with a smile. He took my hand and began to go out, pulling me lightly with him so that I had no choice but to follow him. It was very dark outside now because there were no more street lights to illuminate. The only light that gave an idea of the surroundings was the limousine headlights. I got out of the car and realized we were at the beach. The wind was quite strong that evening and the waves struck loudly against the rocky shore. I didn’t recognize this place. We had never been there before.

“This is a significant place for me,” he said as we got a little closer to the water from the car. “As a child, I often went here to play with my best friend. It was our secret place that no one knew about.” He stopped, and I stayed by his side, listening carefully to what he had to say.

“I and my friend made a promise to each other at the time. We promised each other that the only one we would show this place to was the woman we were marrying. ” Hearing those words, my heart started beating even faster. But now not out of fear, but out of worry, because I knew what was going to say, and I wasn’t sure if I had to give him the answer he was hoping to hear.

“That’s why I brought you here today,” he said in a slightly trembling voice. He got down in front of me on one knee and took my hand.

“Will you marry me?” he asked, looking me in the eye and taking the ring from the jacket pocket with his other hand. “I know it’s all happening very fast, but I’m confident, and I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children.”

I looked up for a moment and saw the limousine driver standing next to the car, trying to hold back a happy smile. It was all like a fairy tale, a perfect love story to be proud to tell children later – I had met a man who loved me. The only one who seemed not to share this joy was the troubled sea that angrily threw waves against the shore.

“Yes,” I replied uncertainly. “My answer is yes,” I repeated in a stronger and clearer voice. Anxious disappeared from his face, and a big, happy smile appeared instead. “I love you,” he said happily. Three words I could never say normally. Three magic words that had the power to change absolutely everything in my life.

“I love you too,” I replied, looking away and breaking my loyalty to everything in my heart.

After that night, everything changed. He floated around in the clouds of happiness, and I became more and more retreated. The more weeks passed, the more I found activities in something that kept him away from me. Sitting under my window at night became a normal activity to wait for the mornings. I was at work. My relationship was a task that lasted for perhaps a few years, but I had to do it to survive. It was my chance to escape, my chance to feel safe for the first time in my life and to be loved. What could have gone wrong? We set a date, and soon I could breathe a sigh of relief. I had found my happiness, I had found a solution to all the problems that haunted me. I had been so lucky as many others could only dream of.

But my grandmother, with whom I grew up, always told me the golden teaching that “we may be poor, but we are honest people.” My grandmother had raised me well. She had given me an internal compass that now ruined all my plans. I could feel the guilt eating me from inside, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it all erupted.

“I’m going away,” I said one day to a man I had a plan to marry two days later.

“What do you mean? Where? Why? » he did not understand at first.

“I’m leaving, I’m not ready to get married,” I replied briefly while throwing personal belongings in my suitcase uncontrollably. I was on the verge of breaking, but I wanted to leave as calmly and as painlessly as possible.

“Why?” he asked again, sinking hard on the edge of the couch.

“I’ve been thinking about it all, and I made a mistake that night when I said “yes”. And I think I’d better say that now, even though I know I could have talked about it earlier. It’s better if I did it now and not after an unfortunate marriage and wasted my time and your time. I’m just not ready for this. “

“I felt something was wrong. I kind of sensed something like this was coming. I think what happened was that you were hoping to have a good life by marrying me, but your nerves couldn’t stand it and that’s why you’re leaving. I knew it was the only thing I was worth,” he said in a bitter voice. If only he knew how right he was. I was on my way to do something that only evil people can do, and I had been able to convince myself that it was justified. I stopped before it was too late, and I knew I was doing what was right now. But I wasn’t allowed to do it by irretrievably shattering his world. Although much damage had, of course, already been done.

“No, no, that’s not the case at all,” I replied, putting all my persuasion skills into play. “You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s not that I don’t care about you or that you don’t deserve anything better. It’s just me, honestly. I’ve been through so many frustrations that I’m just not ready to love anyone or dedicate my whole life to anyone. I’m just too broken. You will find someone who can give you much more than I can ever do. ” 

What a banal explanation I gave him that day. How many have said the same thing, and how many had heard those words without any explanation or consolation. I knew that. And he knew it too. But that was the closest truth I could give him at that moment. Without saying anything else, I took my little suitcase and stepped out of the apartment. I took one last look at the hotel on the top of which shined name “Regina”, and it seemed to me for a moment that someone smiled satisfactorily to me from there, and I went to the airport without looking back. I knew I had made the right decision this time.